robertspage

Doing really well and today I weighed in at 328,  down from 385, which turns back my “fat clock” about 10 years, I have managed to drop a little over 7 BMI points but am still “morbidly obese” - WHATEVER!. I am in the best shape I have ever been in the last 15 years and i love myself for who I am NOW, not some imaginary studly looking dude that I MIGHT be in the future. i accept myself where I am at and that is the key. i am getting there slowly but surely and I’m having a great time along the way. I have inspired alot of people along the way where I live and that just keeps me moving.  I also ran for 20 minutes on the treadmill at 4.2 mph and  almost 5 min of that at 5.5 mph.  Not bad for an OBESE guy -just more of me to love! Hmm whats going to happen when I really get in shape?  Hey guys…… quit whining and enjoy the journey. you can either look at it like - wow dude, I need to lose 100 more lbs before Im not obese anymore - that bites! or i can say the bigger the challenge, the bigger the braggin’ rights! It’s all in how you look at it. Forget about instant results, they dont exist. If you are pill poppin and starving yourself, all your doing is renting your numbers, you’ll never own the victory in the long run. Be in it for the long haul!

I sincerely apologize for the last post (that has since been deleted).  I found a pic at funnyjunk.com that was poking fun at the McDonalds jingle Im Lovin It and made it Im Luggin It and showed an obviously doctored photo that was the product of 2 photos, one of a guy on the beach and another -toward the bottom- of a construction site and the guys heavily doctored photo of his gut in the wheelbarrow.

In typical lockeroom fashion, i got a real chuckle over this and posted it. A user left a comment that hit me like an ice water enema …because what she said was true!!  I am having a laugh at someone elses expense at a photo that obviously someone maliciously doctored.  For anyone who has read my posts in the past and has known me for any length of time, to see this kind of stupidity on my part is a little disturbing and is out of character.  I know what it is like to be cruelly treated by others while growing up simply because I was fat.

To anyone who was hurt by this, I sincerely apologize and ask for your forgiveness, there is no excuse for that. The only thing I can think of as to why is that I wasnt thinking and was being a little childish.

In closing, I have always lived by the idea that if you mess up in public, you make it right in public. by doing that, you will gain more respect than by simply covering it up and pretending it didnt happen. The last thing I want is for someone who is looking for encouragement to come to my page and find that and feel an arrow through their desire, to come into their community of love after a day out in an insensitive world only to find more of it waiting on them.

Please accept my apology and thank you for helping me to grow. 

Its an unfortunate thing that when we start and continue our journey, with the exception of a few kind words from casual bystanders, we are largely on our own. Even those closest to us, unless they are on this journey, cannot relate to the fears, anxiety, elation of victory and the icy grip of defeat. Then enter all of the “experts” in your life. Weight loss should be added to the long list of politics, sex, religion, and other things that should never be discussed freely in mixed company. Everyone is a friggin expert, even if they are 50 lbs overweight.

Buddyslim and sites like this are a much needed place where likeminded people can simply share their experience. Those that have been down the road can help those who are just starting to avoid pitfalls that got us in trouble. While nothing beats a real person to make eye contact with, feel their hand on your shoulder, and hear reassuring words that will lift you and help you make it another mile down the road, sometimes a website is all we have.

To lose weight and commit to weeding out the unhealthy habits that ruined your health, requires you to reach deep inside and find your courage. This is a lonely road and finding support of ANY kind is so necessary.

Sometimes I really need someone to tell me woo hoo, you’re doing great. Every booster note, every comment is appreciated. Sometimes a comment from a friend may be the only acknowledgement of a job well done. You guys are really important to me and you have helped me down the road. If it wasn’t for sites like BuddySlim, my avenues for support would be a lot less than what they are now. Thanks to everyone who has stopped by to help me get a little closer to a better life.

I am fully recovered from being sick and went for a session with my trainer and kicked some butt. then came home and ran a mile. my previous time was 15 minutes now its down to 13min 42 sec. I am really excited with whats going on and the changes that are happening even on a daily basis. i guess this is my woo hoo time. there will be more challenges and tough stretches on the future but for now, im living in the woo hoo.

Im really wanting to go for a run today but i know that i need a day to recover. as bad as i want to go, i have found that if i dont rest for a day, the next session with the trainer is not going to be as productive. if i rest, the session is rockin’. i am down to 330 (from 385). thats huge because the last time i tried to lose weight about 9 years ago, i couldnt get past 330 got discouraged and quit. not this time. i am going to sail past 330 like it was no obstacle.

This brings me to another point, for me, it was about 9 years ago i was 330. for me to cross over into 320 land is like turning back the fat clock 9 years. all of those wasted years. think back to the last time you were at a certain weight and rejoice in that you have turned back the clock.

I have a long way to go but I have come a long way. One of the biggest accomplishments I have made is to not be ruled by the scale.  I am not on Biggest Loser. My trainer has been trying to get this through my head for a while. On my 18th session, she re-took my measurements and to her delight, I collectively shrunk 12.5″ (arms, waist,chest,thighs,neck…) but I have only lost about 17 lbs. Its not in the numbers.

we have been keeping track of my accomplishments and dating them in my file. Just looking at them, you can see a very defined increase in my fitness. This year I hopped on my bike and went 31.5 miles just to challenge myself. there are alot of other break throughs such as dropping my cholesterol from appx 178 from about 2 years ago to 132 today. Dropping from a 52 to a 46 pants size…

THE BEST FOR LAST….
The best accomplishment of all is running! Being 385, running was out of the question. Losing this ability and all of the mental blocks of “you can’t do that” that comes with that, is the embodiment of all that was wrong with my life. NOW… dropping to 335, I run on a regular basis. I can do a mile in 15 minutes which is now my time to beat. When I was younger, I hated sports, last one picked for the team….made fun of..blah blah…..Now, it is my outlet that helps me to feel good about myself, that puts a can-do attitude in me. Its almost like a new found superpower, a kid with a new toy. being able to run after so long not being able to or almost dying in the attempt.

LIFE IS GOOD

While I was away at camp, I learned a valuable lesson about reaching my goals that I would like to pass on. I made it a point to exercise as much as possible to keep my momentum going while away. I ran intervals on this dirt road in the morning and it was beautiful. Everything was perfect. I got to this stretch where I was going to start running again and I knew that it was a long way, probably further than I have been able to run at once so far. The more I looked at how far I had to go, the more I debated in my mind, processing the probably of success, how much is this going to hurt etc….. Finally, I simply went. I focused on the goal and started plotting along. If this was in line with most success literature, that would be the formula - stay focused on your objective and bingo….

Rather, the more I focused, the more I felt i couldn’t realistically make it, maybe I’ll get so close and quit - thats good enough and other bargains my mind and will began negotiating. I began pysching myself out of the prize.

Rather, I kept my focus about 3 feet ahead of me and never looked up - well tried not to anyway. A funny thing happened. My efforts became focused on making it the next few paces. Before long ( I cheated) I looked up and my goal was much closer to where eventually I just looked at the goal and let my momentum take me the rest of the way - rejoicing in the fact that I had gone farther than I ever have yet.

Some of us, myself especially, have a substantial amount of weight to lose and it stares at us every morning in the mirror, reminding us how far we have to go. Dont look at the 100 lbs we have to lose, rather look at the 5 lbs I KNOW I can lose in the next 2 weeks. Dont look too far ahead, you’ll get discouraged, don’t look behind to relish too deeply in how far you have come lest you lose your balance and do a rather inglorious faceplant for all to cheer and jeer. Rather keep focused on what is right here, right now, the next 5 lbs not 50. The next lap, the next rep, the next pants size down.

I feel like a champion. My whole outlook is can-do positive. My physical conditioning is on par with my best last year before I went a little south with the layoff. Clothes are fitting better and I crave a good workout. How could things get any better?

Then I look in the mirror and see a fat guy looking back. Someone barbs me with some snide remark. Everywhere I look, there is a reminder that what I am experiencing on the inside does not match what I see, a roll, a bulge etc…. I feel like I am on par with all of the trim, good looking people until I notice that my thigh equals their waistline (well not quite that bad-just a little literary license).

This is a dangerous time for those of us in obesity rehab. What is on the inside does not equal what is on the outside. But I am changing, it seems to be happening on the inside first, much like a flower in spring. Not much seems to be happening but on the inside life is flowing, hidden away until a triggering moment. I feel like a chick trying to hatch. The real me is trying to come out. The one that has been suppressed by years of put downs, shame and embarassment. The competitor, not the sulker. The champion, not the loser. The achiever, not the spectator.

That is who I am, just wait world, you will be surprised.

Boy am I making progress! I have to say that signing up for personal training was one of the better decisions I have made. so far I dont think I have done the same thing twice which keeps things interesting. more importantly, there is someone expecting me to show up and the accountability is invaluable. I have been keeping a food log which has helped me to identify some trouble spots. i submit it every day via email to my trainer. The idea that someone else will be reviewing what I do makes me want to turn in a “perfect paper” to the teacher. I am getting alot stronger and my endurance is right up there.  One of the best things I have done to maximize my sessions is to show up early and start walking around the facility, then once I get loosened up after 1/2 mile, I’ll start doing intervals of jogging/walking to get my heartrate up there.  Since I started that, both of my workouts have been fantastic.  I soaked down some clothes in the process but there is nothing like KNOWING you gave it 110%.   I may be a big guy, but I feel like a bigger champion.  There is nothing like the can-do feeling you get and the effect it has on the other areas of your life.   I value my PT time just about as much as any hobby that I really enjoy just because of all of the positive affirmation it brings.

Today, having a personal trainer paid off. After having a really crappy day at work, I was not really wanting to work out. I was more mentally and emotionally disconnected and that had an effect on my performance. Having that commitment to a routine and having someone expecting you there really helped. I put in a good workout but it was a lot more difficult. I am beginning to see that having a system of accountability is crucial to continuing success. I appreciate all of the positive comments and support I get from you guys, every little bit helps.

- I hopped on the scale and already there is a difference. So far I am down almost 5 lbs since starting my training. I use these sessions as a springboard to get me into more agressive, at home work. Also, my trainer has been having me keep a food/activity log. This has been really useful is identifying troublesome areas.

Good luck guys and keep at it

The thing that makes reaching for your dream of living a normal life scary is that we fear failure. It is far easier to believe that you do not deserve it and that you can’t do it than it is to stick your neck out, make yourself a target and reach for it. Have you ever noticed that everyone has an opinion about what you should be doing even though most have no clue. I let criticism and stupid remarks from clueless people go in one ear and out the other.

Just remember that to those that understand, no explanation is necessary and to those who are ignorant, no explanation will suffice. Reach for your dreams and just do it. Surround yourself with like minded people and not excuse makers. Isn’t your life worth it?